The uphill from the foothills

So this past year has been Hell! Through all the problems, lost of friends, sticky situations, mental breakdowns, and dog tiring work I have begun the uphill battle of reclaiming my life!

I use to wonder last year and much of the first half of this year why my life had fallen to shambles. Why did I have to suffer so much and go through the trials and tribulations that to me seem so unnecessary.

Well I'll tell you why!

Being where I am now (living at home with my mom) and seeing the way that things have started looking up I know that the reason I fell so far, was so I could see that I could see all the things that I had taken for granted on the top of my mountain as I fell. I am gifted with so many talents, but instead of using those talents wisely I chose to let them rot under a rock as I gave into my wants and let others handle my needs.

New Shoes were a whole paycheck, but my power bill was a phone call to my mother. I was not using my time. talent, or freedom wisely and for that I lost it. I was angry with everyone else but myself and put my problems on others. I was unable to cope with the fact that I had cause all my problems and was the only one who could fix them. It was not until halfway through my term of AmeriCorps service that I realized that anything I wanted to do was in my reach and I had to work for it.

I am happy that I have taken back my life and I am so much more internally and externally happy than I was around this time last year. Depression is the pits and I can not see how I allowed my life to spiral so far out of my control to the point that slight suggestions from people had me making terrible decisions. Now that I am back in control I see that the only person who can make the right decision for me is ME!

I am no where near the place I want to be, but I know that I am working towards that goal on my own terms and that as long as I keep this drive and will to govern my own life on my own choices that I will succeed.

And if I fail....

I know that it was me who cause it and I must continue to make changes in my life to be where I want to be. No matter what choice I make good or bad (happy or sad) I will be somewhere that I put myself and I will be satisfy knowing that it was not based on someone else's projections or comments.

Its so much easier to find yourself when your dictating your own path.

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy for the All of The Lights By Kanye West Video

So I've heard many things and not good about the all of the lights video. (Except Rihanna's possible but improbable nipple slip that had all the guys hoping there would be an uncensored version.) So I refused to ruin the dream of what the video would be, because my over active imagination knows what it could be. Lets just say that if I directed the vision that could be all of the lights it would include;

- A back story of redemption

- Lots of dance style fighting (Tango between a prostitute and a violent customer, an epic tap dancing show down with a man and his wife's lover, and the ending with a girl who does some touching ballet moves after she is rescue from the trunk of her kidnappers car.)

- Alot of light flashes, or at least enough to keep the epileptics away from watching it.

- Of course a extremely over budget clothing budget. (A leotard made out of white silk and diamonds for Rihanna and a catsuit done the same for Alicia Keys of course.)

I know this is beyond what is in the realm of possibility, but a girl can dream...

Right?