The uphill from the foothills

So this past year has been Hell! Through all the problems, lost of friends, sticky situations, mental breakdowns, and dog tiring work I have begun the uphill battle of reclaiming my life!

I use to wonder last year and much of the first half of this year why my life had fallen to shambles. Why did I have to suffer so much and go through the trials and tribulations that to me seem so unnecessary.

Well I'll tell you why!

Being where I am now (living at home with my mom) and seeing the way that things have started looking up I know that the reason I fell so far, was so I could see that I could see all the things that I had taken for granted on the top of my mountain as I fell. I am gifted with so many talents, but instead of using those talents wisely I chose to let them rot under a rock as I gave into my wants and let others handle my needs.

New Shoes were a whole paycheck, but my power bill was a phone call to my mother. I was not using my time. talent, or freedom wisely and for that I lost it. I was angry with everyone else but myself and put my problems on others. I was unable to cope with the fact that I had cause all my problems and was the only one who could fix them. It was not until halfway through my term of AmeriCorps service that I realized that anything I wanted to do was in my reach and I had to work for it.

I am happy that I have taken back my life and I am so much more internally and externally happy than I was around this time last year. Depression is the pits and I can not see how I allowed my life to spiral so far out of my control to the point that slight suggestions from people had me making terrible decisions. Now that I am back in control I see that the only person who can make the right decision for me is ME!

I am no where near the place I want to be, but I know that I am working towards that goal on my own terms and that as long as I keep this drive and will to govern my own life on my own choices that I will succeed.

And if I fail....

I know that it was me who cause it and I must continue to make changes in my life to be where I want to be. No matter what choice I make good or bad (happy or sad) I will be somewhere that I put myself and I will be satisfy knowing that it was not based on someone else's projections or comments.

Its so much easier to find yourself when your dictating your own path.